Bust Out Your White Dress For “Real Housewives Of New York City”
In the eternal summer Real Housewives of New York City exists in, Labor Day weekend lasts approximately 360 days of the year (the other 5 are reserved for the most important event any human can attend: Fashion Week). So, we open up episode two still in the Hamptons.
Bethenny, who now will not die alone with her dog Cookie eating her insides, is with her new baby, Jason. They are waiting for Ramona and her husband Mario meet up with them for Skinnygirl Margaritas. One thing about Bethenny: she’s always hustling; the whole world is her street corner. Ramona immediately tells Bethenny about LuAnn’s complaining on the boat last weekend and said she was “verbally raped.” Bethenny complains about ho Countless Countess attacked her last weekend and asked Ramona if she was packing. Wow, when did this turn into a lesbian reality show?
Back at the House of Broken Royalty Dreams, aka LuAnn’s Hamptons house; their old housekeeper Rosie shows up to visit. LuAnn brings out tea and jokes that now she has to bring it out to Rosie, before quietly asking if Rosie knows any body that needs a maid since the Count’s alimony check has yet to arrive. Rosie says she can come work for her, but only after a 90-day probation period.
LuAnn complains that it’s just so hard to train new help and then starts talking about her divorce. How lovely for Rosie to travel to the Hamptons to visit her old boss, and only get to say one sentence about how her own life is going. LuAnn says that Rosie and her confide in each other, but what she really means is they can talk about LuAnn’s favorite topic: HERSELF.
Simon and Alex are finally allowed out of their cave in dreadful Brooklyn, and they have to go on a double date with their former enemies Ramona and Mario. Simon and Mario are dressed identically. It’s almost like they’re on a reality show with people who told them what to wear! It doesn’t take long before they are once again recounting the Countess/Countless boat fight because four educated people who are on a television show have nothing else to talk about but the same fight that’s already been discussed 100 times. Mario calls LuAnn, who sends him straight to voicemail. Ramona and Mario invite Silex to their Labor Day party.
Finally, Momma Bear Jill makes it into the frame. She and her husband Bobby sold their Hamptons house, so she now has to crash at LuAnn’s pad, who Jill calls an awesome hostess because she lays out newspapers, “just like a hotel!” There’s also a bowl full of unidentified pills in the foyer, but Jill doesn’t go into that. LuAnn plays Jill the voicemail Mario left her, and Jill decides to call Ramona back to talk about the upcoming party, putting her on speakerphone. Big mistake! Ramona goes off on how much of a slut LuAnn is and how she’s never been single, and has always had sideline boyfriends. Whatever, LuAnn is basically French. You think Carla Sarkozy cares about this shit? Probably not.
Fight over, the gals do some more exposition by going over LuAnn’s fight with Bethenny.
Bethenny and Jason go on a date and practically fuck on the bar, as Jason stares deep into her eyes while Bethenny lists adjectives to describe herself: “Deranged, troubled, mentally disturbed.” Jason gets so turned on by this poem from the DSM-IV that he decides to pull out the big guns and suggests that he and Bethenny move in together.
Kelly arrives at LuAnn’s house, and pulls LuAnn and Jill aside and says that she’s “so incredibly true” and “incredibly genuine” before revealing that she was asked to be in Playboy (what does one have to do with the other? You tell me, especially since Kelly has foobs). Countess thinks it’s “inspirational for women over 40″ and that she would do it. By the way, Jill’s giant pink sunglasses, pink mumu, and perfectly blow-dried hair is an inspiration to me. I just want to look like that all day, every day. LuAnn brings out her Playgirl cover from the early 90s. And Jill’s got her priorities in check, immediately saying she’s gonna be at the party at the Mansion. That’s my girl, always looking out for number one!
Bobby shows up to the house from playing tennis and Jill tells Bobby about Kelly’s Playboy spread. He decides that this is the moment, in front of the ladies and LuAnn’s teenagers, that he has a large collection of Playboys in his mother’s basement. LuAnn’s son is cracking up, while Kelly looks completely freaked out. She interviews, in rare coherent form, that it was weird that he would be looking at her that way. Uh, yeah, Kelly: him and tons of other men. That’s the point!
At the opposing Labor Day party, Bethenny and Jason arrive, with product placed Skinnygirl Margarita bottles in tow. Silex arrive, and Bethenny decided to drag up old nonsense from last year, and apologized for not using Alex’s logo for the Skinnygirl bottles, which apparently, she never told Alex about in person. Oops!
At the lunch table, Bethenny explains that she’s been too busy to keep up with Jill, and a random blond lady, “Jennifer” pipes up that she’s known Jill for fifteen years and loves her. Bethenny interviews, “Who are you? The Caterer.” No, B, she’s just some who desperately wants camera time. The group decides that Jill is upset because she’s jealous. Of course! Married, crazy rich Jill Zarin is jealous of Bethenny. That’s totally it.
We go back to LuAnn’s house, where Team Jill is saying goodbye to Kelly while the kids are smirking about Kelly’s Playboy cover. The kids are always so much more interesting. But, before we can start to actually enjoy ourselves, it’s time to go back to Ramona’s lily-white Southhampton mansion where Alex confesses to Ramona that she’s going to stop by Luann’s house after she leaves. Ramona (druuuunk) gets pissed, while Mario insinuates that if Silex wants to play with the cool kids, she has to pick a team. Come on, Alex, don’t you want to be pretty and hang out here with us and not icky, divorced LuAnn?
It turns out that Alex is weak as hell, because next, she calls up Jill and Luann, who are chilling out in hoodies on LuAnn’s deck, and says that she can’t go visit. Jill says it’s okay, and immediately gets to asking what the gossip was. It’s a sea of covered iPhones. Jill says she’ll now only be in friendships that are reciprocal, so she’ll no longer be friends with people who don’t have Hamptons mansions. That’s a good rule for New York friendships, honestly.
Next week: Playboy! Kelly’s kids! And Fashion Week! I told you Hamptons parties and Fashion Week are the two most important events in a person’s life, right?
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Bust Out Your White Dress For “Real Housewives Of New York City”
Bethenny, who now will not die alone with her dog Cookie eating her insides, is with her new baby, Jason. They are waiting for Ramona and her husband Mario meet up with them for Skinnygirl Margaritas. One thing about Bethenny: she’s always hustling; the whole world is her street corner. Ramona immediately tells Bethenny about LuAnn’s complaining on the boat last weekend and said she was “verbally raped.” Bethenny complains about ho Countless Countess attacked her last weekend and asked Ramona if she was packing. Wow, when did this turn into a lesbian reality show?
Back at the House of Broken Royalty Dreams, aka LuAnn’s Hamptons house; their old housekeeper Rosie shows up to visit. LuAnn brings out tea and jokes that now she has to bring it out to Rosie, before quietly asking if Rosie knows any body that needs a maid since the Count’s alimony check has yet to arrive. Rosie says she can come work for her, but only after a 90-day probation period.
LuAnn complains that it’s just so hard to train new help and then starts talking about her divorce. How lovely for Rosie to travel to the Hamptons to visit her old boss, and only get to say one sentence about how her own life is going. LuAnn says that Rosie and her confide in each other, but what she really means is they can talk about LuAnn’s favorite topic: HERSELF.
Simon and Alex are finally allowed out of their cave in dreadful Brooklyn, and they have to go on a double date with their former enemies Ramona and Mario. Simon and Mario are dressed identically. It’s almost like they’re on a reality show with people who told them what to wear! It doesn’t take long before they are once again recounting the Countess/Countless boat fight because four educated people who are on a television show have nothing else to talk about but the same fight that’s already been discussed 100 times. Mario calls LuAnn, who sends him straight to voicemail. Ramona and Mario invite Silex to their Labor Day party.
Finally, Momma Bear Jill makes it into the frame. She and her husband Bobby sold their Hamptons house, so she now has to crash at LuAnn’s pad, who Jill calls an awesome hostess because she lays out newspapers, “just like a hotel!” There’s also a bowl full of unidentified pills in the foyer, but Jill doesn’t go into that. LuAnn plays Jill the voicemail Mario left her, and Jill decides to call Ramona back to talk about the upcoming party, putting her on speakerphone. Big mistake! Ramona goes off on how much of a slut LuAnn is and how she’s never been single, and has always had sideline boyfriends. Whatever, LuAnn is basically French. You think Carla Sarkozy cares about this shit? Probably not.
Fight over, the gals do some more exposition by going over LuAnn’s fight with Bethenny.
Bethenny and Jason go on a date and practically fuck on the bar, as Jason stares deep into her eyes while Bethenny lists adjectives to describe herself: “Deranged, troubled, mentally disturbed.” Jason gets so turned on by this poem from the DSM-IV that he decides to pull out the big guns and suggests that he and Bethenny move in together.
Kelly arrives at LuAnn’s house, and pulls LuAnn and Jill aside and says that she’s “so incredibly true” and “incredibly genuine” before revealing that she was asked to be in Playboy (what does one have to do with the other? You tell me, especially since Kelly has foobs). Countess thinks it’s “inspirational for women over 40″ and that she would do it. By the way, Jill’s giant pink sunglasses, pink mumu, and perfectly blow-dried hair is an inspiration to me. I just want to look like that all day, every day. LuAnn brings out her Playgirl cover from the early 90s.
And Jill’s got her priorities in check, immediately saying she’s gonna be at the party at the Mansion. That’s my girl, always looking out for number one!
Bobby shows up to the house from playing tennis and Jill tells Bobby about Kelly’s Playboy spread. He decides that this is the moment, in front of the ladies and LuAnn’s teenagers, that he has a large collection of Playboys in his mother’s basement. LuAnn’s son is cracking up, while Kelly looks completely freaked out. She interviews, in rare coherent form, that it was weird that he would be looking at her that way. Uh, yeah, Kelly: him and tons of other men. That’s the point!
At the opposing Labor Day party, Bethenny and Jason arrive, with product placed Skinnygirl Margarita bottles in tow. Silex arrive, and Bethenny decided to drag up old nonsense from last year, and apologized for not using Alex’s logo for the Skinnygirl bottles, which apparently, she never told Alex about in person. Oops!
At the lunch table, Bethenny explains that she’s been too busy to keep up with Jill, and a random blond lady, “Jennifer” pipes up that she’s known Jill for fifteen years and loves her. Bethenny interviews, “Who are you? The Caterer.” No, B, she’s just some who desperately wants camera time. The group decides that Jill is upset because she’s jealous. Of course! Married, crazy rich Jill Zarin is jealous of Bethenny. That’s totally it.
We go back to LuAnn’s house, where Team Jill is saying goodbye to Kelly while the kids are smirking about Kelly’s Playboy cover. The kids are always so much more interesting. But, before we can start to actually enjoy ourselves, it’s time to go back to Ramona’s lily-white Southhampton mansion where Alex confesses to Ramona that she’s going to stop by Luann’s house after she leaves. Ramona (druuuunk) gets pissed, while Mario insinuates that if Silex wants to play with the cool kids, she has to pick a team. Come on, Alex, don’t you want to be pretty and hang out here with us and not icky, divorced LuAnn?
It turns out that Alex is weak as hell, because next, she calls up Jill and Luann, who are chilling out in hoodies on LuAnn’s deck, and says that she can’t go visit. Jill says it’s okay, and immediately gets to asking what the gossip was. It’s a sea of covered iPhones. Jill says she’ll now only be in friendships that are reciprocal, so she’ll no longer be friends with people who don’t have Hamptons mansions. That’s a good rule for New York friendships, honestly.
Next week: Playboy! Kelly’s kids! And Fashion Week! I told you Hamptons parties and Fashion Week are the two most important events in a person’s life, right?
Images: Bravo, Amazon.Com