Elegance Is Learned: Real Housewives Of New York City

Real Housewives of New York City had its third season premiere last night on Bravo. Thank God because none of the women on Real Housewives of Orange County (which ended its fifth season) have money left and pretty soon, the show was going to start taking place at a homeless shelter. Finally, it’s time to move on to New York accents and Hamptons mansions.

If you didn’t watch last season, then you probably have a real life and interests, but allow me to sum it up for you: I’m up here and you’re down there. That’s the crucial subtext of every Housewife on Housewife interaction, and that is all you need to know. Onward with season three!

We start, as we always do, in the summer time, right around Labor Day. The last time we can wear our best whites! Jill Zarin and Countess LuAnn are walking down a pier wondering if there will be food on the yacht. LuAnn doesn’t seem to think so. What kind of busted party will this be? I thought rich people had money for snacks! They’ve been invited to party on a boat with Ramona Singer, she of the crazy eyes, who immediately greets them with a loud bray about her new short haircut, which she said ‘took a lot of nerve.’ Ramona’s been renewing herself, and that involves inviting former nemesis Alex McCord over to skin her for a new dress. Jill camera interviews that Ramona is ‘too old” to be wearing a bikini. Remember what Alex looks like, because this segment is the last we’ll see of her in this episode.

The boat takes off, and the real reason Ramona invited the women to the boat is finally revealed: she is hawking her jewelry, which will be sold on HSN. Man, not 3 minutes into the new season, and these bitches are already pimping something. Jill doesn’t like it and neither do I.  She talks to one of Ramona’s friends, who says that they went out to lunch and Ramona asked for “her own check.” For some reason, this disgusts Jill, and she decides she can’t take it anymore. Instead, she gets the women to do something they can all agree is the funnest: talking trash about Bethenny Frankel!  Jill tells the ladies she’s not really friends with her anymore and that she has saved the last voicemail Bethenny left her, where Bethenny told her to  “get a hobby.”

And what’s Bethenny doing while all the old broads talk about her on the boat? Taking naked photos on a rooftop for her PETA campaign wearing a red robe with a giant SKINNYGIRL (her drunkorexia company) logo on it. Bethenny  interviews that she wonders why there is a stylist to put a piece of fabric on her “cooch.” That’s a valid point. Then there’s a bunch of shots of Bethenny’s bare butt, because apparently putting a giant billboard of it in Times Square wasn’t enough. Surely, Bethenny’s bare ass has already saved thousands of animals from dying.

Back at Sad Menopausal Yacht,  LuAnn tells Crazy Eyes that she loves her but that she’s upset about something her husband Mario said recently. Luann’s husband whispered “Countless” under his breath at a photo shoot, as a joke about LuAnn’s recent divorce from Count Chocula, the Count Alex De Lesseps.  Ramona says Mario was just being jokey making fun of your divorce! Just jokes! You’re probably going to die alone! Jokes! Ramona says Luann is making a ‘mountain out of a holemill.’  Ramona screams that the Countess title doesn’t exist in the U.S. Jill tries to butt in, and Ramona realizes she’s under attack.

Ramona retreats to refill her wine glass yelling “She’s being a classless countess! Classless countess!” and then she drunk cries to a bunch of her non-Housewife friends who rub her shoulders.  Then they all talk shit about Luann. When LuAnn finally comes down to confront Ramona again, Ramona decides that the best solution is to take shots of Patron. Now that’s the pinnacle of classy behavior. Ramona toasts to happiness. And life. And mood swings. And being klassy.

Back in the city, Bethenny’s assistant talks about clearing out Bethenny’s email inbox and suspiciously only asks about what to do with the numerous e-mails from Jill.  I bet Jill is the type who loves to forward inspirational messages. How many times do you think she’s circulated the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe? Bethenny brings up that she was invited to a free trip to Turks  and Caicos and Jill got mad because Bethenny invited her boyfriend instead. Jill is just jealous Bethenny is finally happy.

Bethenny’s boyfriend Jason comes over and she immediately reverts to a girly voice. Annoying. He’s brought her some golf clubs, so they can “do each other’s things.” The producers decide we need to see Bethenny’s ass again and her assistant pulls up the photos from the shoot. Jason isn’t happy, especially because Bethenny sent him a naked photo to his work e-mail. Bethenny interviews that Jason is constantly rolling his eyes at the things she does which is really adorable and the sign of a man who truly loves you, she swears!. She compares herself to Lucille Ball, which is a Housewives red alert! Simon and Tamra Barney from OC compared themselves to Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball and they just got divorced. Beware, B!

Back at the Hamptons, Jill and LuAnn meet with Kelly Bensimon for lunch, who is wearing a sweater out in the sun. Do you want to know why? It’s because she is the ambassador for wool. That’s a thing that exists. The women go over the yacht drama. Kelly is surprisingly coherent and sympathetic to LuAnn. Luann asks Kelly about her on-camera boyfriend Max from last season and Kelly says she wants ‘Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now.’ Jill and Luann have no idea what Kelly means by that. Then, Kelly says she wants to be the Robin to someone’s Batman. So she wants to be a meddling sidekick in a sexually ambigous relationship? Okay, Kells, whatever makes you happy.

The women bring up Jill’s husband Bobby Zarin, who had thyroid cancer over the summer. Jill  interviews that Bethenny never came to visit Bobby in the hospital while he was recovering from thyroid cancer, but instead sent a bouquet. So did her mailman, who apparently also did not invite her to Turks and Caicos. Jill is pissed!  Kelly eats chicken wings and comments that B has issues because she ‘invented the margarita” to which Jill replies: “I don’t drink.” Well played, Zarin.

Back in domestic bliss land, Bethenny and Jason eat lunch in the Hamptons. Jason reads from a cue card off screen and asks who he has left to meet. Bethenny says he has to meet Jill and Bobby Zarin, and complains that staying in Jill’s Hamptons house and hanging out with them wasn’t fun because they were doing things she didn’t like to do. I guess all those things were fine when Jill was paying for them? All I can say about this scene is Jason needs to get himself some acting lessons.

On the other side of the island, Luann asks Kelly about her court case from last year (Kelly was accused of beating her boyfriend up!), and Kelly says “justice was done.” Kelly’s boyfriend walked to the police station, which is the one detail LuAnn finds appalling. Kelly shuts the conversation down  and decides to talk about LuAnn’s divorce instead. LuAnn answers that besides the fact that she wakes up in a puddle of her own tears and vomit every night, she’s doing okay.

To top off the night, Jason drops Bethenny off at a bar in a “Skinnygirl Margarita” Volkswagen. Bethenny is annoyed because LuAnn insisted they meet at a bar that was closer to her house and was an hour away. What’s more annoying is Bethenny can’t seem to leave her boyfriend for a half hour without acting like she’s sending him off to war. The minute Bethenny sits down, LuAnn is ready to attack and she asks if she’s “really being invited” or if Bethenny’s going to say something snarky about LuAnn not paying the check. This argument goes on for about a million hours until LuAnn says the real reason she’s pissed: Bethenny wasn’t there for her when she announced she was getting a divorce.

Bethenny says that she sent LuAnn a “sorry you’re all alone now” gift basket when she got divorced (it probably contained Valium, a jug of Carlo Rossi, and a Pocket Rocket). LuAnn says she didn’t want a gift basket, she wanted a HUG. So do I, for being forced to watch this fight. I also like how Bethenny sends gifts when things when things get hard for the other women. bethenny says she’s shaking (probably because her skinnygirl diet hasn’t allowed her to eat unless accompanied by a bottle of Patron), and then luann calmly tells her to breathe, and then her eyes glaze over and she announces she’s been doing yoga and meditation. Bethenny says she has, too and LuAnn replies: “I know.” Then, LuAnn reaches in and asks Bethenny if she’s accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. Okay, I made that last part up.

Before the women call a truce (that Bethenny says made her feel “dirty”) Bethenny calls LuAnn out for asking for guy’s phone numbers and for giving Bethenny advice she herself didn’t follow. She wants the old un-pretentious Countess back from when they first me. You know, the one that asked cab drivers to refer to her as the Countess and not as LuAnn. A real woman of the people.

Coming up on this season: Jill figure skates! Bethenny cries! And then cries again! LuAnn sings a song about being classy! And people mostly try to ignore the fact that Alex is still on the show.

Image: Bravo/Mitchell Haaseth